At Sea

This is a text I wrote when at sea.Not sure, a couple of weeks later, that I am still aligned with those thoughts, but at the time, I meant it.
Maybe this is the 'offshore effect'.
It gives some insight of my mindset after the 2nd day, which was a little rough, with big swell and a bit of wind.
And some context too why I did eventually decide to go to Mexico instead of crossing.

At Sea, the sunset and sunrise are events you cannot miss.

Where I fail.
It is all about comfort. Mostly zone of comfort.
Still, if you manage to sleep correctly, everything is easier.
That's where solo racer stand up, they go beyond their limits. This where i realize how hard it must be to race solo.
Now I do have the basics skills to handle the boat alone, still a solo passage seems beyond reach.

This one, the light is weak, quality bad,
but I like the colors.

Yesterday night was a good example.
During the day the swell was up, maybe 4 to 6 meters, with a beam wind of 25 knots. Direction was good enough, I was running downwind, which is usually quite a fun ride. And it was... During the day.
At night, somehow I lost confidence in the windvane to steer right. I tried to steer myself but was so tired I barely could keep my eyes open. Which remains less an issue than when you drive a car, as there is nothing to hit in the ocean. Still maintaining course in the dark is important, but even the tiny red light of the compass was flashing me.
I had to rely on the windvane then. Now going down to sleep for 45 min, even extenuated became a very stressful experience. I knew the boat was alright, the vane was steering fine and the weather not even that bad.The chance to get knockdown by non breaking waves of this size were almost null.
But I never been there. Never experienced it. Never went through it.

Overcast sunrise

Now in the dark, all sounds are extraordinarily amplified. A sailboat is extremely noisy. There is no soundproofing. A wave crashing on the hull seem inches away - and it is. Perfect setup to create scary fantasies.
Of course, everything ended up fine. I eventually fell asleep, knocked down.
By the stress and the tiredness. And the boat took care of itself.

Living heeled.
I had fog for almost a complete day.

Lesson learned. As I am constantly out of my comfort zone and cannot rely on someone else to backup me, I end up tired very fast, which create situations that could end up more dangerous than they actually should be. Which is obviously an issue when you are at sea - weeks from any land and comforting support.
Only spending time and building new metrics for my comfort zone will allow me to relax, trust the boat and the gear, and get proper sleep.
And there is no shortcuts for this, neither should it be.

We cannot really feel the size of waves
But it was between 3m and 6m.

It is just too early to do this passage solo.
The boat could certainly handle it, but I don t think I could, in case of non perfect conditions, which is probable on a long passage like this. I need more experience, in the literal sense of the word, to adjust my metrics related to awareness, danger, comfort.

Maybe it was a little late in the season,
but it was pretty chilly all the time.

I would most likely survive it though. But the learning curve would be so steep it could be traumatic, and in any case, no fun at all.
And what's the point if there is no fun.



I almost changed my mind the last day, when the conditions turned out better, and the sun was shining. It is obvious now that my psychological state relate directly to my level of tiredness and the sea condition.
I do believe I will do this passage solo one day, maybe the solo-transpac or something.
But as always with sailing, it is all about timing.
This time was too early.